Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
