She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
