Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
