I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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