I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
