My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
