Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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