Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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