im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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