dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize