Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Do you still have your period?
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
