I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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