Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
