my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
