I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
