Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
