its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
