Pants 0. Shit 1.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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