Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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