Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
