hotel room ftw
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
