Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
