Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
