Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
