A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
