You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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