I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I love having hate sex.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
