Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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