just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
