they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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