I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
