I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
