New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize