Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
