why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
