I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
