i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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