dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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