You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
He kissed a someone with a penis
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
