i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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