U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
