Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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