Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
