I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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