Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
