So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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