just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
