you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
