It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize