I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We need to get me chipped asap
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
