I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
