when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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