Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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