Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
