I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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