and you said cock pushups were impossible
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
