apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
