Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
