I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
