Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Randomize