I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
