Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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