dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
